Well, this sure has been a damn long time, hasn’t it?

 

There have been some changes, it seems like every time I sit down to make a blog, something has somehow changed, a new level of thinking, or a new way of thinking, or some new event has forced me to turn around and think “What the hell?!” and this newest blog post is no exception, unfortunately – as I now have almost 2 months of events to somehow get out of my head before I violently explode (and on several parts of this blog, I mean that) or just collapse because of the pressure of all of it. I guess I’ll try my damndest to keep everything in the right order, but the results of these past two months have left me feeling as if I’ve always been on a knife edge, risking falling of one way or the other, so I guess, I’ll start with, my fathers girlfriend.

 

Most of this, I am the only one who knows about, and I’d prefer it kept that way, this blog is my personal zone, it’s a safe place for me to empty my head before I end up doing anything exceptionally stupid, in this case, saying anything here at all would be exceptionally stupid because of how many people know her, and how many people know me – but I have to clear my head of this before I snap.

 

I want to kill my fathers girlfriend, and I’m not doing the standard over-emphasising that most people do when they claim that they want to kill someone, for those of whom who read my blog, and know just how insanely angry I can get at certain things, and sit there with it under the surface until I can divulge it like this, this woman is a walking hypocrisy, on the scale of how much I can hate, inside my own head, this woman has reached the levels of the bastard who’s name begins with a “J”

 

To start with, the thing that caused all of this stupidity is me refusing to have an argument, and to her – a damn good argument is like bait, she can’t resist it. She adheres to a philosophy that life is shit, people are shit, so you might as well bunker down and trudge through the shit, and any kind of effort to make you life in any way happier or enjoyable is some form of sin, and to be honest that pissed me off to begin with, because I do not adhere to that – after living with Patch and Jacqui for about a year and half (for which, I am eternally grateful) I’ve had far to much freedom to go into this level of stupidity and hypocrisy.

 

The reasons for the argument where valid, I can admit to the fact I made a mistake, even a minor one, but no-one told me that she would take every mistake anyone could ever make as some form of the highest personal insult, I mean – I might as well have said “Shut the fuck up you walking pile of turd!” and then punched her in the face (no exaggeration), and she goes off on this war horse of hers, for something as little as forgetting to move your shower supplies off the shelve when you finished, even if you are in a rush (In my case, I found all of my washing supplies thrown in the bin upon my return, which is stupid, childish and petty, considering that it took more effort to throw them away rather than put them on the closer shelf) I didn’t know that my clothes, which I was told where to go in the wash with hers and my fathers to save time and energy, where no longer being washed until a washing up bin full of a months of my washing was dumped in my room, and then I had to go and get my own cleaning supplies (Something I had to do at Patch and Jaq’s – but at least there I was told) and after that, I was given no idea how to operate the damned machine (Considering it was a different set up to the machine I was used to using which was as simple as setting it to “E” and turning it on, if I remember correctly) but so far, the out-right pettiest thing she’s done, which almost brought me to the argument she is just damn well dying to have with me, is quite simply turning up one night, while I was using the computer for college work to be handed in the next morning (a 3,500 word hamlet section for A2 English) and without a word, going into the kitchen, and cutting the fuse box to the entire flat, and then when I went to ask “Why the hell did you do that for?!” I got blamed for not paying the electricity and gas, even though she had stopped talking to me since the argument I refused to have, and therefore I wasn’t damn well told!

 

Since then, every mistake, every shortcoming, forgetting to pick something up, leaving some object where it shouldn’t be because I may have been in a hurry, every single thing, feels like I’m walking on eggshells.

 

Since this has happened, I have been pretty much made to feel like shit every moment I go home, as a result I now hate going home, I’m now spending all of my time at college (To the point at which I’m now spending my Saturdays here, which is helping with another problem of feeling overwhelmed with work, which I’ll come to later) or out with as many friends as I can find or make, or at the pub, because going home to me (and I’m going to regret this . . . ) it feels like it used to 2/3 years ago, back when I used to live with my own mother, and I can feel that same old depression creeping back in, the sound of my own head having arguments with itself, not being able to sleep because I’m to busy staring at the ceiling, cringing at the thoughts in my own head, hearing myself arguing with myself, arguing with myself.

 

Because of these events I’m using “Home” as a pass through, a place to sleep, shower, do some of my work and move along.

 

Notice how I didn’t say “Eat” there? There haven’t been words said to me specifically, but as with the rest of the flat, the kitchen is “Her” domain, so long as she is home, the kitchen is somehow permanently in use, even if she’s not in it, me providing myself, using her kitchen is yet another form of massive sin. I am now living entirely on the college food (Which is actually quite good, a damn good and filling meal for £2 a pop, I usually end up spending £2-4 a day on food at college) pub food at the Tumbledown Dick, which I am now a regular at (By partial force and preference) and burger king and subway meals, the problem is – I’m now working at a check clearing house in frimley, providing me with £6.75 an hour, which means between paying for gas and electricity, bus tickets, and food, I’m managing to break even with my cash each week, I’m not loosing anything, but I’m not gaining anything either, which is annoying the hell out of me – because if she could just learn to leave me alone, like I’m leaving her the hell alone, we could at least come to a damn truce until I get the hell out, but she’s too set in her own god-damn ways – she wants this damned argument, and I don’t, I cant, because I will snap – I said I wanted to kill her? I have devised a plan.

 

Every morning, she’s coughing up crap over the toilet, and just coughing, and smoking like a chimney (For everyone reading this, leave the other stuff, my hatred of her, alone, keep it to yourselves, I’ll bring it up in my own time, but for this – she is endlessly coughing and smoking, and I have reason to believe she has the early stages of emphysema, I would make the damn point myself but she wouldn’t believe me – to her doctors are the people that told her she would be supposedly paralysed 15 years ago, the only reason she isn’t is because she’s too damn stubborn to admit weakness or defeat, endlessly trudging through that shit-storm called life, but the coughing, the way I’ve seen and heard it – and asking other people about it, I’m fairly damn sure she is emphasymic, but she sure as hell wont take that news from me)

 

Well, I just admitted weakness of my own there with that segment, but the plan to kill her? Was quite basic, working off of her lungs, which must be the equivalent of a coal miners by now, and her allergy to Lynx deodorant, and her asthma, it would quite simply consist of walking up to her and spraying her in the face with a full can of lynx deodorant until her lungs close and she asphyxiates to death, choking on the floor and knowing that I’m the one that damn well did it, and then dragging the corpse to the railway lines outside the house and throwing it on there in the path of a passing train.

 

On another note (as I’ve been writing this blog post continually over the past 3 weeks) I have just been given my notice last night, last night being Wednesday the 14^th of November) to leave on the 30^th of November, with absolutely no idea where to go, what to do – and apparently no-one has any idea what benefits I could possibly claim. This could quite possibly be the end of this venture into Farnborough, which is making me feel like utter shit, as of this point – I am officially, depressed.

 

Visits to the college, a possible place for young persons housing, a future visit to Citizens Advice have turned up crap after crap, I don’t think I can get housing or income support, and the only plausible means for me to afford a flat of my own is to quit college and go into full time work, which I don’t want to do (read down) because that will simply mean this whole venture would be a failure, and although I’ll still be here to see my new friends and I’d have more freedom to see the old (read down) I don’t want to give up the dream I’ve had for so long, and I’m now closer than ever to actually achieving.

 

And returning to Daventry, which so many people have suggested (because apparently I had things better there) would also be a massive failure, I had to back up everything I was doing and saying with so much gathered up courage and conviction, to make the point that I’m not returning to Daventry unless I’d finally made something out of myself, that returning there would render the whole thing moot. That would quite simply crush what is left of me that is fighting back against this shit-storm, I’m not entirely sure just how I could face myself, let alone all of my old friends after that.

 

And returning to Daventry would mean returning to my youth, and the endless laughing stock that surrounds it from Dantre school, and all I can say to that is “No, no, not again.”

 

It would also mean loosing all of my new friends who have been helping me out through all of this, and it would mean being so far away from Ellen that it would become yet another long distance relationship (read down) or loosing her (read down) and I am well and truly fed up of compromise and failure.

 

**sigh** and now I have that . . . out of the way . . . one last reason to be pissed off with this walking hypocrisy.

 

In the last months I met a new girl called Ellen, which is something I had never expected because so far my time period between leaving a relationship and going into another one . . . Is about 2 years at a time. Within 3 months of leaving Heather (whom, despite the fact I promised I’d keep talking to her, being separated from the computer by Chrissy has left me unable to tell her about any of this, or keep helping her like I promised I would) I somehow find myself in the college open evening (recording it for my media project) being dragged around by her, proclaiming me as her “Man Slave” the next thing I know, we’re on an impromptu date in pizza hut 2 days later and the day after that, I’m on her sofa with her in my arms watching firefly scrubs and futurama, and I finally conquered my idiotic brain and unleashed the contents of my head “You know, for the past hour, my heads been arguing with itself because I want to kiss you” and the reply (Thank god) was “Well, go on then”

 

Since then, we’ve been going out for a month, and this is a completely alien concept to me, because of the fact that we don’t live half a country away from each other, at most, she’s a half hour walk, or a ten minute bus ride, at which point my brain goes “What the hell?!?!” because I’m genuinely not used to this, being able to see my girlfriend on a daily basis at college, being able to go out of a class and go see her, but there is a problem.

 

The problem being, over the past month, I’ve been falling in love with her and the alien concept of having a girlfriend being so close, is that I genuinely don’t know if I’m getting on her nerves or not with the fact that I want to see her more outside of college, and because of the patterns of college and work make things nigh impossible, and as a result, we have the grand total of Tuesday nights, Thursday nights and Saturday mornings to be along together, and I keep asking, and to tell the truth I’m not sure if I should keep asking or leave it alone for a short while.

 

Out of those days we can have, the only real chances we could have are Saturdays, and Thursdays, I keep asking about Saturdays but with her house/college and actual work, there’s nothing more than a resounding “NO!” which leaves Thursday nights, and that answer came up as a “Maybe” from Ellen’s end, at which point I asked Dad (and leading back to the point of Chrissy) all I got was a “No!” because of the fact that, no one will be home with Dad working and Chrissy in the 3B’s meeting, they have no way to meet, and of course, Chrissy has to meet (and probably corrupt) her.

 

So trying to see Ellen outside of college and spend some time with her, on a “Just us” basis, is proving . . .  difficult.

God-Damnit I want to kill Chrissy.

 

Any who, back to other problems, college and work based problems.

 

Basically, work insists that I shouldn’t be doing college, and college insists that I shouldn’t be working, and atop my other problems (I.e. – just breaking even cash-wish each week) my college work is beginning to feel overwhelming, trying to keep up with two courses normally would be all right, but trying to do both the first and second years of English and media at the same time, along with work, is beginning to get on top of me.

 

And on top of that, with the problems with Chrissy, trying to find, let alone afford a place of my own is proving so insanely difficult that I really just can’t describe it, I’m not falling into her mindset though, life isn’t a shit-storm, its just difficult at times, once I get this out of the way, things should hopefully look up.

 

 

But on the subject of looking up, I suppose I really aught to get to some of the up-shots of living here!

 

It’s a theory I’ve always had, but never had the opportunity to test fully.

 

Basically – the theory is, If you take Craig Mansfield out of Daventry, he becomes sexy. Yes, I have Ellen now, and I feel so damned happy while I’m around her that it keeps everything else at bay (Kind of why I want to spend more time around her) but before her, I was shocked to see how many girls actually found me “Cute” or “Attractive” but I simply didn’t know until someone else told me. And that is so genuinely surprising to me, considering a month before I met Ellen, I felt like crap and was convinced that there was 1, perhaps even 2 people out there that thought me genuinely attractive.

 

On top of this, I’ve been shocked silly with the places where I can just turn up and talk to people, since I’ve moved here I now have 7 different friend groups through college and the pub alone (compared to Daventry, where I ended up with two, tops) and people are so damned friendly here, it’s a little overwhelming in the good way when you can sit down at college and someone will just sit and talk, the next thing you know, your seeing them and talking to them daily – I get the feeling that the way things work through the pub and college that I probably know just about everyone at college through one means or another, and I’m now a “Regular” at the Tumbledown Dick, its just – something I’ve never really had told to me before, something to put a grin on my face.

 

As for college work, my media work is so damned amazing, I’ve never been this engrossed in something, even if I am getting caught behind, its just so much fun to be shooting and editing footage, and the final project is so damned satisfying to see, because for once the images, pictures and sound in my head are lining up together, and I can’t help but feel, that if I don’t spend the rest of my life doing this, then its just going to be empty, because now I have the skill and knowledge to finally put Dark Future (now coming up on 6 years of being half-arsed put together, chopped up, re-chopped, perfected, taken apart and re-perfected), Avaris or Psyche to screen and finally, people can see what really is going through my head when I get those spurs of inspiration.

 

All I’ve got to do is get everything else into order, and I can carry on doing what makes me happy, and hopefully I can include someone who makes me feel so damned happy. (yes, that is an Ellen reference )

 

And, on another subject, I have now become a Coheed And Cambria fan-boy.

 

I now have all four of the albums, and planning to go see them live in Brixton come next year, which will be freaking awesome, considering that through the experiences of the last few months, Coheed has become my chill-out music, my pump-up music, hell, it’s just become my “Mood” music, and I admit it here and now, if it wasn’t for some of their tracks, I probably wouldn’t have turned my mood around to keep going through all this crap, which really does sound a bit sad – but I’ve even made friends at the pub through Coheed, and convinced two other people to become Coheed fans.

 

What can I say, apparently I’m infectious!

 

This section is an official apology to my Daventry friends. Yes guys, I still like you all, and I’m trying to organise a means to see you all, but when I visited Daventry, the trip was filled with communication difficulties, people all expecting me to see them at once, my own short comings and to be honest, I don’t want to go into a full list of reasons why I couldn’t see all of you, all I can say is that I’m sorry guys, and next time round, I’ll try to organise things so I can see all of you at once.

 

Sorry.

 

UPDATE AS OF DECEMBER 05

 

Ok, I am now, officially pissed off, with pretty much everything around me, and things have taken a nose dive.

 

I was unable to find somewhere to live by November the 30^th, and as a result was made homeless by my Father and Chrissie, I ended up having to move in with Ellen.

 

At which point, with me being a blatant emotional train wreck, she decided to call us off, because I needed a shoulder to cry on, which she couldn’t, or rather didn’t want to give, she apparently has a total of two emotions because of her own past – Appreciation and humour, that’s it, she feels nothing else for no-one else – at the moment, I feel nothing for that in the slightest.

 

At the moment, I should feel betrayed by my father, I feel nothing.

At the moment, I should feel pissed with Ellen (despite the fact she helped me with a place to live), I feel nothing.

At the moment, I should at least feel something about all of this, at the moment – I have a gaping emotional hole, which I am directing a lot of anger towards, because there is nothing filling this hole, there is no feeling there, and as a result I’m feeling frustrated because of a lack of emotion.

 

At the moment, I have clawed myself a new place to live, on my own – and I have decided that for the moment all I have is myself, I feel like shit, I hate myself, I hate most of the people around me (IE – everyone I don’t know, and/or isn’t reading this blog) but all I really have to go on, is the urge that I should damn well keep going, that’s about it. I move on Saturday, and once I’ve moved in, I’m going to sit down, take in a breath and rip down the emotional barriers, by patience or by force and feel something for once.

 

I’m not sure if I want to see my father for a while now, as for Chrissie – she now holds as much regard for me as a certain individual with a name beginning with “J” and her influence has driven me to a mindset I don’t like –

 

The most destructive figures I’ve ever had in my life, are mother figures, the controlling “all knowing” mother figures, and as a result, I’m talking to my mother, and my extended family, but only in visits and phone calls, no extended stays or holidays, and I never want to have kids, not just because I find children to be irritating at the best of times, but because of the fact I never want to turn one of my future partners into a mother, and if I ever do, I’ll pay for the child, raise them as best I can from a distance, but I’m never creating a mother figure in my life, not if I have anything to damn well do with it.

 

Hrm, I appear to have run out of steam, there’s probably many things I have forgotten, but they will have to wait until my next post. On a note to my readers, please keep the sections of this post referring to Chrissy to yourselves, this is my personal “Venting” space, and I post this here on the basis that I am trusting you all with my secrets (those I can part with) so please, don’t have this lead back to her, or my father, they will find out in their own due time and place, for now – I just needed an emergency vent.

 

Well, that’s it for now folks, I’ll see you all round.

Well Done. I'm Proud of you.

I did know a fair bit of what has been happening.
Things are tough at the moment, but they will improve. It doesn't feel like it, but it will.
All your mates (inc me) are here for u.
If that was Ellen's attitude, ur better off without her. There are other girls out there who will be right for u. Have faith, don't give up. Love can find you when you least expect it.
Sometimes when sooo much has happened, you feel numb and feel nothing. Feelings will come back.
At least you have somewhere to live now. I hope the move goes well.
Im here if u need me *hugs* xxxx